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Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” Marianne Williamson

Steps to a higher self esteem

Lack of self-esteem can grab hold in times of stress and challenge, and self-loathing is fueled by exhaustion and hopelessness. Self-love can be reborn by making a commitment to add life-affirming activities to daily life. It is crucial that we nourish ourselves--body, mind, and spirit. This does not mean going to a spa every few years. It has to be blended into our lifestyles and treated with as much importance as a doctor's appointment or worship service. Many of us are very generous with those around us. We give of ourselves to friends, family, coworkers. We twist ourselves into pretzels to accommodate the needs of others. But when it comes to ourselves, we can be stingy.The First Step: Chart a course to improved self-image that stimulates all the senses. This will fill you with a sense of hopefulness and potential! Make a list of 10 things that will enhance your feelings of self-esteem. Incorporate everything from meditation and prayer, to taking yourself out on dates, to activities that bring you joy, and enhance your well-being on all levels. Above all, "follow your bliss"!

Depressed and lost

I feel soo utterly depressed, i feel like im stuck in a rut and im walking back and forth back and forth and im not progressing, every time i feel like i have a handle on my emotions something happens that shows me just how much im not on top of things. I thought i was getting better, i thought that this depression shit was gone...i thought wrong. Things that have the power to upset right now shouldnt. These are the same things that have been upsetting me for the past year and i honestly felt like i had grown, if not in stature in my mentality but this is proof that im still the same Sedio i have always been; insecure, self conscious, depressed and lost.

I want to cry

Damien has disappeared and i dont no where he is or how to find him, when i called him at home his mom said he isnt there and he wont b back for a little while; thats all she would say and i got a voice message from him asking me to call him and he sounded upset. He doesnt have the best of relationships withhis mom and the argue alot so i hope that they didnt have that bad an argument that she asked him to leave or he decided to go.

I dont no what to do, i dont no how to contact him, im worried sick and i feel so helpless.

DAMIEN YOU SHOULDNT DO THIS, U PROMISED UD NEVER MAKE ME CRY!!!!!

Warrior Inspired

A girl and a guy sitting on opposite sides of a guitar,

the girl is playing the instrument and is mindless to the way the guy is looking at her, the look in his eyes is soo sincere and filled with love that mere words cud not describe it. he brushes a lock of her hair behind her ear...she smiles but doesnt look up. She has grown accustomed to these tiny but significant gestures of love, they have become as much a part of her as the music she plays and so without acknowledging it, her heart is comforted by his small gesture and her music grows sweeter, filled with the love he invokes. She looks up at him and catches a glance of the love in his eyesd before he closes them and lean towards her for a kiss, in that instance..as their lips unite above her guitar, she falls inlove all over again, in love with him and her music, they become one...he is her melody and her music is their love.

Journeys

Today i had the opportuniy to enact my lesson in patience theory. I was waiting patiently for someone who was running late for a meeting because the person was talking to someone else. I realised that as i was waiting i was growing aggitated and annoyed but i tried to calm myself by taking 3 deep breathes. After 20 minutes the lady came out from her meeting with the other person and saw me sitting waiting to speak with her and promptly turned around and went into the main office for whatever reason..this only served to irritate me again...i had 20 monutes left for my lunch hour and it was absolutely imperitive that i had the meeting with the lady. I asked her receptionist if she could remind her of the urgency of this meeting because i was running late for work, i believe that was the conscious me responding rather than the "small" me who would have walked out the door frustrated. I once again took a seat and proceeded to wait for another 10 minutes. After this i got up calmly and explained to the receptionist that i have to go or else i would be late, all the while taking those 3 deep breaths again. As i was about to leave the lady came into the waiting area in told me to come with her into her office. Upon etering her office she explained to me that she is havijgn a problem with moisture in her carpet and she thought we should move the meeting into the conference room. I told her that i havnt the time to move into the conference room as i am late for work so i asked her what i had to ask her, she advised me on it and i thanked her and left. I made it to work 5 minutes late. I believe this was the first step on my journey to attaining an "Immortal Soul" and i do believe i did well enough.

Immortal Spirit

"A lesson in Patience"
What upsets and disturbs me

• Disappointments
• Unreliable people
• Lies
• The idea of loosing my bestfriends
• The idea of loosing someone dear to me
• When someone isn't paying me the amount of attention i expect
• When someone doesn't love me as much as i love them
• When someone disregards everything iI've done for them
• Ungrateful people
• being taken for granted.

If small things have th epower to disturb me, then that is who i think i am; small.

In order to become an "Immortal Spirit" I must accept what ever happens to me without becoming angry and upset or anxious etc. I must immediately accept the situation and thus become one with it rather than seperate myself from it. I should remain unreactive and absolutely alert when confronted with challenging people and situations. Then out of my alertness will come a response. Who i am (consciousness) not who i think i am (small)would be resonding. It would be powerful and effective and make no situation or person into an enemy.

REvelations

I find that I am currently going thruough this depressed phase, if you asked my bestfriend however he'd tell u that I've been going through the same depressed phase since May; I am only now accepting it. I expect to much from people and as a result I am extremely disappointed when (not "if", when) they don't live up to those expectations. Also I keep telling people that the reason I don't return their calls or don't call them anymore is because i don't put any faith in friendships anymore and therefore i dont go out of my way to talk to people or make people happy anymore, when the truth actually is that all my friends seem to become my enemies and i dont want to run the risk of loosing anymore friendships or i should say forming anymore enemies so i avoid them. It's alot easier on my conscience to have people consider me an old friend than them thinking of me as someone they hate.

One other thing that I have begun to accept is that when i look back at all my friendships that have gone sour, the constant factor in all of them is....me. Therefore it can't b that all of these people are horrible people by chance, it has to b that I'm that horrible person that is ever constant.

I apologise

To every one in the past year that i have had a confrontation with or sum sort of conflict with i humbly apologise and i will write each and every one of u a letter of apology and explanation...I will not write these letters as a form of rekindling friendship or even to ask to b acquaintances becuz i want neither of the 2...I simply want closure.....I have accepted the favct that everything bad that has ever happend to me is the result of sumthing bad ive done to sumone else so im trying to wipe my plate clean and start again fresh.


Jaded

Live, love and learn

I've learnt that in life every thing does not go as planned, the person you least expect to will hurt you and the ones you love may not love you back; but ive also learnt that when life puts you down, the worst and probly most unproductive thing you can do is stay down. When you reached rock bottom and you dont no where to go or who to turn to, the best and only place to go is up.

Forget about what ever or whoever it was that put you in that position and move on, easier said than done i admit but still ..the journey of a thousand miles begins with that very first footstep. Do the things you like to do, eat your favourite food and listen to your kind of music, hang out with your friends or any1 you no is guaranteed to make u smile...Live life on a positive vibration.

Incomplete

On many cold nights,
After many hard days,
I lay in bed and think of you.

Tired

I'm so tired of being lonely, im tired of going to be every night and crying because i dont have any1 to love or love me. I'm tired of wasting my love on people who dont deserve it. Most of all im tired of having this emotional lump in my throat, its stifling, it hurts, physically and emotionally and quite frankly im so fucking tired of it.

Had I Three Wishes

Had i three wishes my very first one would be to be in the arms of someone who loves me right now...
I'm so utterly lonely sometimes, i have a handful of friends and a shit-load of acquaintances but as much fun as they can be and as much as i love hanging out and talking to my best-friends, it doesn't take away from the loneliness i feel inside..

Mere words alone could not describe how i feel right now...i "Need" someone to hold me with love rather than friendship...its a whole different feeling. i want to feel like i belong with someone again...i want someone to think about with a smile on my lips b4 i go to bed at night...i want someone to kiss me on my forehead and hold me and say everything will b okay. I have no 1 there to comfort me, to talk me through my depression, to hold me wen i cry which i find myself doing with increasing regularity.


Should my first wish b granted my second would be that that person...whosoever it is holding me with love would also be the love of my life, may that person be the object of my desire and the keeper of my heart. May i love that person so fiercely that my love will far over shadow any that they have experienced be4.


My third and final wish and by far the most important of them all...would be that our love remains true 4 forever and eternity...never depreciating but growing stronger and richer like fine wine. may our love be 1 to outlast the changing of time and the difficulties that riddle the path way to happiness..... may join and laughter fill our hearts and our lives and may each day be a blessing. Should we ever have a bad day i pray that we will learn from it and grow to love each other more because of it.

But reality settles in and i realise that for all the good it does sitting and wishing for these three things...i may as wells had wished to be Goddess of Love and savior to those suffering without it... For none of these things will ever happen and such love may never b mine

Wilding out on Wednesdays

This is much unlike my usual blogs as im sure you'll realise but hey i had to document it....i wont say wat exactly was great about it neither will i mention any names .

I feel so liberated and happy today....maybe its all on account of yesterday when i went out with some friends of mine and had a blast. We had margaritas at Cafe Sol and then we went over to Jumbies for Wild Out Wednesdays..this seemzs to be a growing routine with these particular friends becaus e we did the same thing last wednesday and we have plans to go again next week. I did 2 body shot...the first 1 my friend *****-****** did off of me and i had to persuade him to do it cuz hes a bit shy and the next 1 i did on *******. It was great, the dj played great from beginning to end and we had a blast.

With each passing day

With each passing day...
It becomes easier to face the demons of my past....
With each passing night ...
I shed a little less tears.
I no longer shun my reflection...
No longer afraid of what i may see....
I look up and stand firm,
I look at the version of me that people see
and I love her a little more...
With each passing day.

If i cud i'd scream

I am soo sick, my head is pounding, my throat is soo sore and stuffy, i'm freezing and i get the joy of being at work, sitting at front desk in this God forsaking A.C.

Love; the ultimate sacrifice

A boy and a girl were insanely in love with each other so they decided to get engaged and that's when presents are always exchanged. The boy was poor-his only worthwhile possession was a watch he'd inherited from his grandfather. Thinking about his sweetheart's lovely hair, he decided to sell the watch in order to buy her a silver barrette. The girl had no money herself to buy him a present. She went to the shop of the most successful merchant in the town and sold him her hair. With the money, she bought a gold watch-band for her lover.
When they met on the day of the engagement party, she gave him the watch-band for the watch he had sold, and he gave her the barrette for the hair she no longer had.

At last.

The first truth i have discovered about myself.

I am atttracted to that which i cannot have or rather i should not have...and it is usually because someone told me i can not have it. Either that or because circumstances have set themselves out in a way that permits me from having what ever it is i desire.

Another day another dollar

I have adopted a routine, i wake up every morning at 6 o'clock and look at the the wall clock in my bedroom, a curious task due to the fact that my alarm sounds at 6 so i already no what time it is. After inspecion of the clock i roll over and fall briskly back to sleep. Upon hearing my second alarm, i once again look at the clock as if to verify that my alarm isnt playing tricks on me. I then lie on my back and stare at the ceiling trying to decide what to wear to work . After getting a mental picture of what my uniform is going to be for the day i then summon the energy to hoist myself out of my bed and go get ready for the day to come. I collect my clothes from the wardrobe and go take a bath, then i press, dress and proceed out the door; howver nott before telling Sheba she is the love of my life and i no she'll never hurt me( She is my 7 month old dog). I get into my car which i have justly labeled "The Cow" and drive off into the sunrise eagerly looking forward to the day ahead. Well maybe not exactly like that its more like i drag myself into my car and drive at a snails pace until i reach work and have to look for a parking space because my usual space is taken....then i reluctantly climb each stair to the spa. At the door to the spa i plaster a smile on my face and allow every one at work to think im blissfullly happy to be there.

My day usually picks up after ive had my scond apple pocket and maybe a coffee however in the dreadful event that there is no apple pockets for me to devour i have a rotten day until i can go home for lunch. Ahhhh lunch, wonderful joyous lunch and i am Not being sarcastic.. i look forward to it as much as an expectant mother looks forward to seeing the first smile on her baby's face after a long and arduous delivery. I eagerly chip my way down the same steps that i had previously dragged myself up and walk all the way to the car as if im walking to salvation. Upon reaching home i open the gate and go directly into my mothers new apartment at the back of the house. She has begun a new project which is to transform her new house into a home and i must say she is very succesful at it. Each lnch time i no istinctively that i will find her there....either painting or buildin sumthing or chasing our beloved sheba ou of the room(poor sheba... she really cant help i if she finds paint delicious). I always go and take a seat in the corner of the room and watch her as she works or take pictures of her workign and i find its very calmin....moher and daughter in harmony without even having to say a word. And atthat very moment; in that room with my mom, i no that i am happy, truly happy with not a care in the world and a bright future on my horizon.

After about a half hour of sitign with my mom i usually get up and scramble to get sumthing to eat(all the while with Sheba nibbling at my heel in protest to the lack of attenion) before hurrying back to wok so i dont go over m appointed hour. I usually come back to work in a good mood then i finish up the treatments i have left, clean up and go home at 7. Another day another dollar has never felt so true.

At home i watch television, comb my hair and sleep unil tomorrow comes and this wonderful play begins al over again.

Change

There is so much anger in the world today, so much anger and hurt and depression and poverty, yet people worry about and get angry about the most insignificant things; and i am ashamed to say that i am 1 of those people, Or better yet i shoud say i was 1 of those people.

I have goten to the point in my life where i try my hardest not to let every day nuisances annoy me or break my day down any frther than i is already.

Positive vibrations

I found God within myself, and i loved her; I loved her fiercely.

I think I'm falling in love with the idea, the idea that is Jah Warrior, the idea of he man that can become a very big aspect of who i am. I'm falling in love with growing my hair and locking it, and becoming a part of mother earth and becoming "Dess", dess chort for Goddess, the name given to me by Jah Warrior. Do i love him as the man, i do not know..i have yet to know him, but i love the idea of him. I love ethe idea of going to the spring and the beach and taking a bath and shaking of the bad vibes of the day or the week or the month that was before. I'm falling in love with the idea of becoming on with mother earth, of finding my spirituality. I do not believe that Haile Selassie I is the reinarnation of God, bt i believe that Jah Warrior can have his religion and practice it, and i will respect his religion, once he respects my spirituality and my beliefs as i respect his. I do not believe that his religion will be forced upon me, i beieve i will grow my locks and my loks will be my strength, and my perception of God will be my conscience. Is that not what my conscience is? A version or even a small part of who God is?, He lives within my mind, he tells me what is right and what is wrong; and from there i will choose whether i will do what is right or what is wrong, God can lead you only so far, but its up to you in the end to make your choices to be a good personor to be a bad person. I do not believe in the idea of he devil. I do not believe that you should use him as a scapegoat. There is no such thing as the devil made me do it. You were given a choice...good or bad, right or wrong and you chose....the devil had no influence on you or the person that you are or the person you are to become. I have fallen in love with the idea, the idea of becoming a more spiritual person. Religion matters little to me, there are too many different religions, all serving the same idea of a God. he has different names, people have different concepts of him but in the end we are all serving the same God so i am spiiual, or i will become spiritual, but i am not religious. I am who i am, and you may call me by differnt names but in the end i have to know who i am for me and i have to find who i am on the inside. I have to love her. I have found God in myself, and i loved her, i loved her fiercely.

Letter from my bestfriend Dainika.

where do i start.?????? i guess all of these letters are basically about the same thhing huh...well i'm going to try to change it up...ok here goes....we came up through school together laughing and not knowing what we would face as the years progressed, but we lived our lives one day at a time enjoying everybit of each other's company..laughing together, fighting together, getting in trouble together...while trying to ditch school...(we were amateurs at that tho...and dat man shame we at d bus stop)...all d talk d mangoes was sweet walking up thru dat track..remember every end of term we would never ever look at our own report first... we would always exchange tho keeping in mind if any of us did extremely bad we would both run away from home....lol...we never had that type of money or guts...just thinking about when i had the privilage of spending everyday with my best friend makes me smile....but then the worst thing happened...we sat our cxc and unfortunately i went to bcc and u at sjpp....this tho never changed our relationship and never interfered with our friendship...and now here we are almost women and unfortunately seperated.........i was hoping from since second form that we would be best friends until we die....u r suppose to be my maid of honour at my wedding and i at yours...your suppose to be the god mother of my children... and i am the one who is always blaming you for not having enough time for me...who doesn't care if i'm your best friend or not...i'm always the one who blames you for always spending your birthday with everyone other than me...i'm always the one blaming u for the fact that we never once went out ..u kno jus to lime....but here i am.....humble...and forgetting about my pride..to say i'll take the blame.... this here is just a little note of my feelings and its like i'm honestly willing to try to get our friendship bcak where it was and even better...but i cant do that alone.....and if u think its just a waste of time i totally understand...and wont bother you anymore.... i have a little gift for you..its not much but its a small token of our friendship and some thing you can remeber me by.....its a naval ring..well actually 2..with a heart attached and the heart which is broken in half..says BEST FRIENDS....so you can pass for it when ever you want..

A new leaf

I'm suppose to be putting the pieces of my life back together, but its harder than i thought it would be. Some where along the course of my life i have lost sight of my goals and aspirations. i have let others slow me down and hold me back. they havent dont it purposely its just that i have become so consumed n making every one else happy that i completely forgot about me and my happiness. WEN I STRIP AWAY Rashida, and Khadisa, and Shenique, and Raynard, and my mother, and my job, and the pageant.... who is left? Who am i wen i lay my head on my pillow at night? Who am i wen i don’t have anyone or anything around me that can change or effect the person I am at that moment? Who is Sedio Gregoire? Or is that hu Sedio Gregoire really is? Is she just a living, breathing entity that lives only to satisfy and justify the needs of others? Does she not possess an identity of her own? Maybe then i should leave Sedio Gregoire behind...Maybe i should adopt a new identity.....one that is completely and undeniably the 1 and tru definition of Me. No longer should i ask myself what is my favourite colour or my favourite food...no longer will i question the passions that drive me. Never again shall i question my true identity, cuz it will ring clear and true. The one thing that i am sure of..the only aspect of my self that i know for certain is..I am Confused...nearly always and constantly confused. But given time..and sum soul searching.. that will no longer be my constant state.

Avila Mon Couer

Avila mon coeur, guardi li mo,
Here is my heart, guard it well,
To you I give what no one else has,
My heart.
You have broken the barrier walls
And touched me where it matters most,
My soul.
You shine like a star in my eyes,
I give unto you my body;
My temple.
There my heart reigns supreme,
Use it as you will.
I lay myself down before you,
Naked and vulnerable,
Unashamed and awaiting your decision,
Will you love me as I love you?
Will you cherish me as you queen,
Or will you use me and abuse me
As so many before you have done?
I place my heart in your hands,
I give you my love on a silver platter.
Avila mon coeur, guardi li mo.