At last.

The first truth i have discovered about myself.

I am atttracted to that which i cannot have or rather i should not have...and it is usually because someone told me i can not have it. Either that or because circumstances have set themselves out in a way that permits me from having what ever it is i desire.

Another day another dollar

I have adopted a routine, i wake up every morning at 6 o'clock and look at the the wall clock in my bedroom, a curious task due to the fact that my alarm sounds at 6 so i already no what time it is. After inspecion of the clock i roll over and fall briskly back to sleep. Upon hearing my second alarm, i once again look at the clock as if to verify that my alarm isnt playing tricks on me. I then lie on my back and stare at the ceiling trying to decide what to wear to work . After getting a mental picture of what my uniform is going to be for the day i then summon the energy to hoist myself out of my bed and go get ready for the day to come. I collect my clothes from the wardrobe and go take a bath, then i press, dress and proceed out the door; howver nott before telling Sheba she is the love of my life and i no she'll never hurt me( She is my 7 month old dog). I get into my car which i have justly labeled "The Cow" and drive off into the sunrise eagerly looking forward to the day ahead. Well maybe not exactly like that its more like i drag myself into my car and drive at a snails pace until i reach work and have to look for a parking space because my usual space is taken....then i reluctantly climb each stair to the spa. At the door to the spa i plaster a smile on my face and allow every one at work to think im blissfullly happy to be there.

My day usually picks up after ive had my scond apple pocket and maybe a coffee however in the dreadful event that there is no apple pockets for me to devour i have a rotten day until i can go home for lunch. Ahhhh lunch, wonderful joyous lunch and i am Not being sarcastic.. i look forward to it as much as an expectant mother looks forward to seeing the first smile on her baby's face after a long and arduous delivery. I eagerly chip my way down the same steps that i had previously dragged myself up and walk all the way to the car as if im walking to salvation. Upon reaching home i open the gate and go directly into my mothers new apartment at the back of the house. She has begun a new project which is to transform her new house into a home and i must say she is very succesful at it. Each lnch time i no istinctively that i will find her there....either painting or buildin sumthing or chasing our beloved sheba ou of the room(poor sheba... she really cant help i if she finds paint delicious). I always go and take a seat in the corner of the room and watch her as she works or take pictures of her workign and i find its very calmin....moher and daughter in harmony without even having to say a word. And atthat very moment; in that room with my mom, i no that i am happy, truly happy with not a care in the world and a bright future on my horizon.

After about a half hour of sitign with my mom i usually get up and scramble to get sumthing to eat(all the while with Sheba nibbling at my heel in protest to the lack of attenion) before hurrying back to wok so i dont go over m appointed hour. I usually come back to work in a good mood then i finish up the treatments i have left, clean up and go home at 7. Another day another dollar has never felt so true.

At home i watch television, comb my hair and sleep unil tomorrow comes and this wonderful play begins al over again.

Change

There is so much anger in the world today, so much anger and hurt and depression and poverty, yet people worry about and get angry about the most insignificant things; and i am ashamed to say that i am 1 of those people, Or better yet i shoud say i was 1 of those people.

I have goten to the point in my life where i try my hardest not to let every day nuisances annoy me or break my day down any frther than i is already.

Positive vibrations

I found God within myself, and i loved her; I loved her fiercely.

I think I'm falling in love with the idea, the idea that is Jah Warrior, the idea of he man that can become a very big aspect of who i am. I'm falling in love with growing my hair and locking it, and becoming a part of mother earth and becoming "Dess", dess chort for Goddess, the name given to me by Jah Warrior. Do i love him as the man, i do not know..i have yet to know him, but i love the idea of him. I love ethe idea of going to the spring and the beach and taking a bath and shaking of the bad vibes of the day or the week or the month that was before. I'm falling in love with the idea of becoming on with mother earth, of finding my spirituality. I do not believe that Haile Selassie I is the reinarnation of God, bt i believe that Jah Warrior can have his religion and practice it, and i will respect his religion, once he respects my spirituality and my beliefs as i respect his. I do not believe that his religion will be forced upon me, i beieve i will grow my locks and my loks will be my strength, and my perception of God will be my conscience. Is that not what my conscience is? A version or even a small part of who God is?, He lives within my mind, he tells me what is right and what is wrong; and from there i will choose whether i will do what is right or what is wrong, God can lead you only so far, but its up to you in the end to make your choices to be a good personor to be a bad person. I do not believe in the idea of he devil. I do not believe that you should use him as a scapegoat. There is no such thing as the devil made me do it. You were given a choice...good or bad, right or wrong and you chose....the devil had no influence on you or the person that you are or the person you are to become. I have fallen in love with the idea, the idea of becoming a more spiritual person. Religion matters little to me, there are too many different religions, all serving the same idea of a God. he has different names, people have different concepts of him but in the end we are all serving the same God so i am spiiual, or i will become spiritual, but i am not religious. I am who i am, and you may call me by differnt names but in the end i have to know who i am for me and i have to find who i am on the inside. I have to love her. I have found God in myself, and i loved her, i loved her fiercely.

Letter from my bestfriend Dainika.

where do i start.?????? i guess all of these letters are basically about the same thhing huh...well i'm going to try to change it up...ok here goes....we came up through school together laughing and not knowing what we would face as the years progressed, but we lived our lives one day at a time enjoying everybit of each other's company..laughing together, fighting together, getting in trouble together...while trying to ditch school...(we were amateurs at that tho...and dat man shame we at d bus stop)...all d talk d mangoes was sweet walking up thru dat track..remember every end of term we would never ever look at our own report first... we would always exchange tho keeping in mind if any of us did extremely bad we would both run away from home....lol...we never had that type of money or guts...just thinking about when i had the privilage of spending everyday with my best friend makes me smile....but then the worst thing happened...we sat our cxc and unfortunately i went to bcc and u at sjpp....this tho never changed our relationship and never interfered with our friendship...and now here we are almost women and unfortunately seperated.........i was hoping from since second form that we would be best friends until we die....u r suppose to be my maid of honour at my wedding and i at yours...your suppose to be the god mother of my children... and i am the one who is always blaming you for not having enough time for me...who doesn't care if i'm your best friend or not...i'm always the one who blames you for always spending your birthday with everyone other than me...i'm always the one blaming u for the fact that we never once went out ..u kno jus to lime....but here i am.....humble...and forgetting about my pride..to say i'll take the blame.... this here is just a little note of my feelings and its like i'm honestly willing to try to get our friendship bcak where it was and even better...but i cant do that alone.....and if u think its just a waste of time i totally understand...and wont bother you anymore.... i have a little gift for you..its not much but its a small token of our friendship and some thing you can remeber me by.....its a naval ring..well actually 2..with a heart attached and the heart which is broken in half..says BEST FRIENDS....so you can pass for it when ever you want..